2 min read
When Kids Get Caught in the Middle: Protecting Children in a Blended Family
Messenger, peacekeeper, little parent, best friend — the quiet roles children can take on in a blended family, and how to give them their childhood back.
Today we had the chance to talk with Sheena Reid, a mental health counsellor based in Nova Scotia, with more than 25 years of experience leading operations and service delivery with the Government of Canada. This is part of our series on blended families and step-parenting, and this time we turned from the adults to the children. We talked about the roles kids can end up carrying between two homes — messenger, caregiver, confidant — and how parents can stay honest about the other household without putting children in the middle.
Key takeaways
- Let adults carry adult messages. “Tell your dad to be here at three” seems harmless, but it puts a child between two adults and their reactions. Kids may start softening or editing messages, or avoiding conversations altogether, to keep the peace. Sharing news about their own life — “my soccer game starts at six” — is fine. Managing the adults’ emotions, conflicts or negotiations is not their job.
- Watch for a child becoming the parent. Helping around the house is healthy. Running the household, caring for siblings, or becoming a parent’s comforter and problem solver is something else. Sheena explains that children who grow up this way often become capable, dependable adults who still struggle with guilt, with saying no, and with putting their own needs first.
- Be friendly with your child, not their best friend. After a separation, a lonely or overworked parent can lean on a child as a confidant. But divorce, finances and conflict with the other parent are too heavy for a child. Children need structure, guidance and boundaries — and room to build their own friendships, hobbies and independence.
- Avoid bashing — and avoid sugarcoating. When a child hears one parent criticized again and again, they may wonder what it says about them: “If mom’s not good, maybe I’m not good either.” Sheena suggests a middle path: answer questions honestly and with empathy, at a level that fits the child’s age, without dismissing real problems or running down the other parent. Over time, your steady actions speak louder than words.
- Know the signs and get support. A child who misses school, pulls away from friends, or shows anxiety, low mood or behaviour changes may be carrying more than they should. Every family is different, and what you see from the outside isn’t the whole story — which is why talking it through with a professional, rather than drawing the child into the conflict, can help.
Sheena’s take-home message was simple: be aware of your emotions and their impact, because how you show up is the part you can control. If you’re a parent or step-parent finding it hard to keep the kids out of the middle, Free Counselling Society Canada is here to help. Free counselling is available for individuals, couples and families anywhere in Canada — reach out today to get started.
100% free · up to 12 sessions · we reach out within 5 days
Related: Family & Co‑Parenting Counselling Divorce & Separation Kid & Teen Counselling · See all conditions
Counselling FAQs
Your questions, answered.
Everything people usually ask us before their first session — in plain words.
Yes — every session, completely free. Our volunteers are never permitted to charge you anything: no fees, no “reduced rates”, no admin costs. It’s our founding mandate. If anyone ever asks you for payment, please tell us right away at TeamLead@FreeCounsellingCanada.ca.
Everyone in Canada. We see individuals, couples, and families of all backgrounds, political affiliations, genders, and sexual orientations. Our counsellors are trained to support every life stage — from children all the way through to seniors. We are feminist, antiracist, and LGBTQ+ allies.
A qualified volunteer counsellor. Every one of our volunteers is a Registered Psychotherapist (or Qualifying), a Practicum Student Intern, a Registered Clinical Counsellor, a Canadian Certified Counsellor, or a Registered Social Worker. All are interviewed, insured, hold a recent vulnerable‑sector police check, practice under their province’s professional regulations, and receive weekly clinical supervision — so the care you get is held to professional standards.
We offer counselling in 16+ languages. Our most‑requested include Farsi/Persian, Spanish, Punjabi, Mandarin, Cantonese, Hindi, Arabic, French, and Tagalog/Filipino — among many others. Tell us your preferred language on the request form and we’ll do our best to match you with a counsellor who speaks it.
We reach out within 5 days of your request. Once you’re matched, your counsellor phones you within 3 business days to arrange your first session — so keep an eye out for a call from a number you don’t recognize.
Up to 12 free sessions with your counsellor. You set the pace together — weekly or biweekly is common at first. If you need fewer, that’s completely fine too.
Most sessions happen by phone or video call — whichever feels more comfortable to you. We also offer free in‑person counselling at 30 Powerhouse St, Toronto ON and 445 Mountain Hwy, North Vancouver BC; just choose it on the request form.
Yes. Your information travels only over PIPEDA‑compliant email, and you only ever share what you’re comfortable sharing. Like all counselling in Canada, there are a few legal limits — such as an immediate risk of harm to you or someone else — and your counsellor will walk you through these in your first session.
That’s okay — a good fit matters. Email TeamLead@FreeCounsellingCanada.ca and we’ll arrange a re‑assignment, no questions asked.
No. Anyone in Canada can request counselling — no doctor’s referral, no diagnosis, no insurance, no health card needed. If you’re here and you’d like someone to talk to, that’s reason enough.